preasebrog

This is Dated But...

2009-07-23T15:56:00.002-04:00

I LOLed 4 real. Srsly.

Dumbass

2009-07-09T16:27:00.003-04:00

Today I was thinking mean thoughts about someone (Don't worry, it wasn't you.) I was flitting around campus hanging signs for my film series while simultaneously being a massive hater. In the storm of my furious multi-tasking I found myself back in my office and threw my body into my chair.

And onto a pocketful of push pins.

Elven push pins.

I am now sitting at my desk thinking mean thoughts about my ass, which is in turn thinking mean thoughts about me. I'd like to say the message in this story is: What Goes Around Comes Around but what I really think we could all learn from this is: Don't Fill Your Dress Pockets With Fucking Pushpins.

Club Soda Not Seals!

2009-07-07T11:08:00.002-04:00

It took the mass murder of 90,000 seals in Namibia to bring me back from a two month hiatus.

Are you there Prease? It's me, Megan.

At the Red House

2009-05-08T16:42:00.001-04:00

No no no no no no no

2009-05-08T16:41:00.001-04:00

Lauren owes us 100 Jew coins for every cringe this website induces.

Cinco de CRYo

2009-05-06T13:32:00.006-04:00

I am obsessed with Lost. I realize I'm about four years too late but goddamn if I haven't hopped onto the bandwagon caboose like a depression-era hobo. In the past week the inhabitants of my house (fondly dubbed "The Bordello") have watched the entire first season and we're working through the second. I dream about Lost, talk about Lost and rarely eat my meals without it playing in front of me. Some may think this is sad, but I have saved hundreds of dollars in bar tabs by staying home and curling up to Sawyer, Jack, Mister Echo & company.

Yesterday, sadness and bad moods swirled through the Bordello. We all had terrible days and wanted to wallow in self pity. Instead, we picked ourselves up by the bootstraps and invented
THE (unofficial) LOST DRINKING GAME! After dismantling the book case I have half- painted in chalkboard paint and unearthing a rouge half-piece of chalk, we had our rules board, and we all hunkered down for a long night of Island mysteries.

I have provided the list in case you too should find yourselves wanting to play. Keep in mind- these rules are based primarily on the first season, so feel free to add or subtract your own. Also feel free to not be selfish with your rules and post them in the comments.

DRINK WHEN:
-Sawyer makes up a nickname
-There is a close-up shot of Aaron the baby
-Any character shows up in anothers back story
-Jack does something doctor-y
-Charlie does or mentions heroin
-The Numbers are spoken or shown
-Anyone says:
---"Don't tell me what I can't do"
---"You don't know what I'm capable of"
---"The Others" (or if it's a slow game) "Them"
---"Fate" or "Destiny"
---"Lost"

It's just too much fun.

The Right Thing, the Polite Thing to Do

2009-05-06T13:19:00.002-04:00

The last time I posted was a simpler time. Jon and Kate were still happily raising their litter together; Google hadn't dumped me, and the medical face mask as a fashion statement was still exclusively Jacksonian.

To make up for my lack of brogging, I've been throwing up random videos. This is absolutely meant as a misdirection tactic, and I hope you have enjoyed them.

Also, this is a real video, shown not as a joke but as an instructional tool.

No Big Deal.

2009-05-05T18:26:00.001-04:00

Thank you Lauren.

2009-04-24T13:44:00.001-04:00

Notte Sento

2009-04-20T13:37:00.002-04:00

Notte Sento (English subtitles) from napdan on Vimeo.

This short is nearly 5,000 photographs composed into a film and it's lovely. Also I think they cast the most attractive people that have ever been alive. (besides Edward Cullen, obv.)

BabySnatcher

2009-04-16T13:56:00.002-04:00

For the past week I've focused most of my energy on plotting the abduction* of Ayush Mahesh Khedekar, but now I've got a new plan in the works. As if MadMen could get any cooler, series creator Matt Weiner's son Arlo is the baddest-assed mofo second grader this side of Jon Hamm's perfect coif.

Check out the slide show... this kid is going to be a serious lady (or man) killer.

*Should any government officials happen to read this post, I use the term "abduction" loosely. I'll probably just "borrow him for life," which, really, shouldn't raise any amber alert flags.

This is Real.

2009-04-10T11:37:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Asshole.

2009-04-07T15:46:00.002-04:00

I think Morgan is trying to tell me something here.

NPR

2009-04-01T11:34:00.001-04:00

Morning Edition, April 1, 2009 ·

What began as one man's frustration is slowly turning into a more serious movement that merits our serious attention.

Several months ago, Adam Winter of Saginaw, Mich., grew more and more angry. He is a man who has two loves — pro football and animals — and as the Detroit Lions continued to lose games, Winter became increasingly upset that the magnificent lion should be associated with such a woebegone franchise.

When Detroit — that is, the Lions — finished this past season without a victory, Winter prevailed on his state senator to introduce a bill in the Michigan Legislature that would ban the Detroit franchise from exploiting the nickname of the lion. The rationale: It's unfair to insult a proud beast that is unable to defend its own good name.

In Glen Burnie, Md., Lauren Spencer heard about this and went to her state representative, asking that a similar bill be enacted in Annapolis, preventing the Baltimore baseball team from exploiting the brilliant oriole.

Spencer even wanted the bill to prevent the Baltimore franchise from using the bird's striking orange and black colors for its uniforms, but it was ruled that whereas the oriole itself should be protected from the damage to its reputation, orange and black were colors in the public domain and beyond any statute enforcement.

Similar bills were soon put in the hopper in Tennessee, where the noble grizzly bear has been insulted for years by the Memphis basketball team, and in Arizona, where the beautiful cardinal had become a figure of fun because of the disreputable football franchise. The recent surprise success of the Cardinals did, however, result in that bill's being temporarily bottled up in committee.

Moreover, now some devoted animal defenders from the Humane Society and PETA have formed an organization named STEAM — that's an acronym for Stop Teams Everywhere from Animal Mascots — with the intent of creating federal fish and wildlife legislation to halt all sports franchises from appropriating God's creatures as their nicknames.

As the organization's president, Constance Bloodgood, says, "This year's Detroit Lion is last year's Tampa Bay Devil Ray. No animal deserves to be associated with the potential ignominy of defeat. It's time for human beings to stop insulting all the beasts of the field."

I can only say, hooray. It's about time our animal friends had such protection from gratuitous injustice. And also ... April Fool!

Commentator Frank Deford reports from member station WSHU in Fairfield, Conn

Well Great Guys

2009-03-27T20:25:00.003-04:00

Apparently the higher ups at google noticed that my tiny but loyal fan base was clicking on my ads. Apparently this is uncouth in the google community and they just sent a notice that they're quitting my ass.

Although it saddens me that my bank account and liver will in no way benefit from this termination, your efforts have somewhat melted the iceberg that is my heart.

Many, many thanks and prease, keep preasing.

Aussies are Funny

2009-03-26T15:44:00.002-04:00

I found this website looking for cool new craft ideas. Although it embarrasses me to admit that, I feel that the following site will add enough Cool points to my Identity Bank to even out for the day.

God I'm busy.

No Big Deal

2009-03-26T12:44:00.003-04:00

It's getting really hard to go ANYWHERE these days. If I could stop being so famous for ONE second maybe I'd have more time to brog.

Here are my latest media clippings. Sigh. I'm really proud of my hard work in making the Snuggie a cultural phenomenon. I think we can all agree that millions of Americans would still be struggling to stay warm while knitting blankets if I hadn't so graciously stepped in and shined a spotlight on their plight.

http://www.wpoc.com/pages/LDY.html
http://www.snuggiepubcrawls.com/
http://www.bitchmakemeasandwich.com/

America- you're welcome. Stay Warm, Stay Productive.

(UPDATE:
It seems EVERYONE is super famous today. Please notice the sad clown panda in the pink shirt. I like, know her.)

The Ultimate Invisible Friend

2009-03-26T09:33:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty creeped out and excited to see Where the Wild Things Are. Though my fear of people in costumes has stopped me from living my life to the fullest (no Orioles bird hugs, birthday clowns or 4th wall-breaking theatre), I'm sure I'm going to see this when it comes out.

Unless it's in 3D.

Ponzied!

2009-03-25T15:18:00.004-04:00

Oh, the Japanese. You may have invented Herro Kitty and hilariously translated signage, but you can't tempt fate.

An artist couple (who clearly have no idea about the Current Economic Climate) have spent tens of millions of dollars building reverse aging apartments and homes around the world. They feature uneven floors, oddly placed windows and doors and spherical rooms. The point is not to kill the renters, but to challenge them to adapt to their new surroundings and think differently about space. Some guy has lived in one such apartment for two years. He's lost 20 pounds, no longer has allergies, and his wife regularly hits her head on the tiny door to the laundry room as she navigates her womanly duties in the Fun House from Hell.

I think the idea of this is really neat, but I break bones like this guy break dances , so I think uneven flooring and a dizzying array of color would put me in the most literal interpretation of a domestic abuse situation. I'd be walking into walls and not a fist.

The couple also dabble in high-end art. Like, art that takes ten years to complete and should sell for almost 20 million bones, but won't because no one has 20 fucking million dollars to give them.

The couple also got Ponzied by that dick Bernard Madoff, so now they have no money, no one to buy their art, and- assuming their calculations/theories are correct- an abnormally long time left to live.

This Effing Week...

2009-03-23T10:48:00.002-04:00

Because I'm an asshole, I sort of broke my foot building a small bookcase in my office last week. This marks the second time in three years I've been on crutches, and the 8,993rd time I've appropriately called myself an asshole since the beginning of 2009.

Last week I also saw New Kids live (pics to come), watched Twilight and realized that in one week I will be moving to a new house...on crutches. I have impeccable timing.

I will post New Kids stuff later today. In the meantime I'm going to keep sitting here at work with my foot elevated and wrapped in ice until it's time to go home and pack.

In light of my recent injury, I think everyone should click on all my ads twice today. Namaste.

Dave Matthews makes sense right now.

2009-03-19T13:57:00.002-04:00

I've spent a decent part of the day researching Twitter. (I realize I'm being weird about this, but I get random spurts of curiosity and I've had a really hard time understanding this whole social networking phenom.)

I've been gchatting with friends about it- at least gchat is in real time and demands actual conversation- and I've been getting mixed reviews and opinions. After exhausting my friend pool, a simple google search led me to one site, which led me to another until I hit the jackpot. The following video cleared up my confusion, made me laugh, made me nervous and made fun of the twitterverse.

Prease enjoy. And make sure to read the floating posts in the background. It explains the title of this post.

Twitter

2009-03-19T09:36:00.005-04:00

Dammit dammit dammit. I like Twitter.

I still have no clue what it's all about, and I find it outrageously self-indulgent, but it's slowly creeping up my daily routine of website checking.

I've only updated my status twice because I'm WAY more preoccupied with finding as many famous people as I can to follow. And by famous, I mean Kathy Griffin and MichaelK. And Shaq.

I really rebelled against joining Twitter. I had precious few friends on it, and I didn't realize you could follow anyone you wanted. I had the same issue with facebook at first too- I had no idea what the point was, or why you would want your face all over a website made from the residue of a stalkers wet dream. I now would contemplate giving my first born to the founders of facebook.

It's only day 2 of my new life as a Twitterer. I'm sure I'll keep the ol' brog updated as my obsession waxes and wanes- in terms of self-indulgent internet forums, preasebrog is still my best gal. At least here I have more than 140 characters to bore you with.

fml?

2009-03-18T13:22:00.006-04:00

I'm sure we've all recently squirmed uncomfortably at fmylife.com, the website devoted to giving poor, awkward saps an outlet to not feel as bad about themselves. As someone who often identifies themselves as a poor, awkward sap, I've thrown myself headfirst into devouring each post the way an aardvark would an ant farm. (yeah, I just unleashed an aardvark analogy. suck it.)

After reading about 30 pages of horrific stories, it occurred to me that I should post something. I figured a true FML reader would want to give back to the pathetic community...give the other schmoes a chance to cringe and giggle and immediately copy/paste the tale to their Twitter page.

Well, fuckmylife, they haven't posted a single effing one.

Which leads me to ponder two important questions: Who is this asshole that gets to not only read, but deny the FML stories, and also, am I living the ultimate FML?

Today, I realized fml has never and will never post my suggested FMLs. FML.

I have sent literal gold to these dickwads. My own father mentioned to me that I'm pretty lucky to be alive because I was $100 bucks away from being aborted. (Apparently his dad wouldn't loan him the rest.) HOW DOES THAT NOT QUALIFY AS AN FML?

All I can say is that the creators of this site are French, and that maybe that's the answer to my confusion. So while le FML frogs sit on their throne of judgement and money, I will sit at my desk, shove FREEDOM fries in my mouth and be grateful that my grandfather happened to be strapped for cash at some point in early 1985.

Don't Be Afraid...Part II

2009-03-18T11:32:00.002-04:00

preasebrog got a facelift.

I know...I know. I fear change too. But I got bored at work, discovered that I can actually get paid to write this shit and went to town.

I'm willing to take suggestions on the new look. I can't figure out how to make it fancier, and I love fancy things, so if you possess this knowledge hit me with it.

Speaking of hitting, go ahead and Chris Brown the ads on the right side of the page. Mama makes some money each time you do.

Don't Be Afraid

2009-03-17T11:17:00.004-04:00

This is one of the first youtube videos I ever saw and it's still amazing. I hate the South but I love a good leprechaun sighting. It really reminds us about the true nature of St. Patrick's Day and bullshit. Also, I need to remember to unearth the magic leprechaun flute that my great-great grandfather made thousands of years ago. How else will I protect Mobile, Alabama from the elusive little fucker?

HighFive

2009-03-17T08:44:00.005-04:00

First of all, to the three of you who read this brog, I would ask you to kindly get off my case about not writing recently. And before you get all bitchy and upset, allow me to interrupt because I have the ultimate excuse: Someone with a PhD after their name told me I probs have HIV.

Let me back up here. I'm going to magicallllly whisk you away to beautiful Hartford, Connecticut circa winter 2004. Imagine a younger version of my current self waking up, stretching, and as the blue birds pull back my white silk comforter, noticing a large, red circle on my arm. And then realizing I'm seeing it through one eye. Because the other one is sealed shut.

Yes. One morning I woke up with ring worm and pink eye.

"Where is the relevancy here?" you may wonder as you secretly make a note to never let me borrow your clothes or wrestling mat. Well my unfortunate one-two punch of conjunctivitis and whatever ring worm's medical nomenclature is inspired my floormates to start calling me High Five. As in, HI 5. Or...HI V.

Well the joke was on THEM last week as I stumbled into the Patient First in Glen Burnie, flanked by a 100-something fever and useless but delicious Luden's cough drops.

I sat in my little cubicle as a nurse came in and gave me a strep test (gag), a flu test (is it fucking legal to shove a q-tip that far into my brain?), drew blood (lucky me, I got the new nurse...always be weary when two people come to take your blood) and finally an x-ray (I'm super siked to see how much that useless test will cost me.) After a 20 minute wait, the doctor finally came in and said, "Well, all your tests came back negative, although your white blood cell count is pretty low. We like to see the count around 4.0 and yours is 2.9. I'll go run an HIV test you can go ahead and get dressed."

BOOM just like that. I tried not to panic, especially because last year a doctor told me I probably have a brain tumor because I checked "Occasionally" under the "Do you ever get headaches" question. (Uh, back off bitch I get hangovers like everrrryone else.)

After two days of freaking out and trying to recall if the last person I shot heroin with happened to mention a certain auto-immune disorder, I finally called back and was told my results were negative.

The morals of this story are simple. Don't go to Patient First in Glen Burnie; don't share needles, and leave me the hell alone if I haven't brogged in a few days.

Mon Dieu...You're Soooo Post Modern

2009-03-04T10:56:00.006-05:00

Back when I was a Terp, I found myself in a course taught by one of the most interesting people I've ever encountered. His name was Metcalf, and he was a Georgia-bred former-hand-model-turned- film-critic-turned-professor. The man was memorizing. He knew everything about every movie, book, movement, etc and taught class wearing sunglasses and chugging two liter bottles of RC Cola.

I found the course interesting, inspiring and entertaining... so you can imagine my surprise when I realized (quite far into the semester) I wasn't actually "enrolled," per se. Turns out you actually have to "go online" and "properly register" to be in a class. To be fair, I didn't realize that 'University of Maryland' is code for Nazi Germany. My B.

Undeterred, I continued to make the mile-long trek through College Park to class with my two roommates who, you know... belonged there. I turned in assignments and had an almost perfect attendance. Though I basically wasted my time, lost credits and prolonged my already...how shall I put this..."overdue" graduation, I did walk away with a few feathers in my cap.

I had planned on completing the 15 page final paper on post-modernism and some shit, but then I opened my freezer and saw I had a bottle of Kentucky Gentleman's finest and proceeded to get hammered and chain smoke in direct view of my registrationally-unchallenged roommates while they were writing their papers. BOOM. Totally scored an apathy feather. The second feather came during a in-class screening of Last Year at Marienbad. I was able to see through all the black and white surrealism and fixate on the sweet matchstick game, Nimm.

The characters play it throughout the whole movie, and if you've seen the film and played Nimm, one can assume that the game serves as a mirror of the plot; it is almost impossible to win or get what you want unless you go first. Or was it; if you play with matches you will catch on fire? Whatever, I said I wasn't actually enrolled.

Here is the site for Nimm...give her a whirl. I played for the 20 minutes leading up to this brog entry, and unless my work phone rings, I'll play until I beat this damn computer.

Good luck. And if you ever see a man in sunglasses pounding RC Cola with ridiculously attractive hands tell him Megan says hey and thanks for the 3 credits.

SeCATary

2009-03-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

SNUGGIE BAR CRAWL

2009-03-02T11:07:00.004-05:00

Captain Larry's hosted a Snuggie Bar Crawl on Saturday. It was by far the best (and only) bar crawl I've ever been on. A ton of warm and cozy people showed up and we all paraded from bar to bar in our Snuggs. South Baltimore's never seen so much synthetic fleece.

There were some awesome "altered" Snuggies like the ShamWow! Snuggie and Mardi Gras Snuggies and Star Wars Snuggies.

Good Ol' Lauren and Mitch earned second place for Best Snuggie for their interpretation of Octo-Mom and her sperm donor:

And I beat them out by one dollar (my prize is $26 and theirs is $25) as Jon-Benet Snuggie.

Unfortunately, at the end of the crawl I had on so much make up that I broke out in hives, took two Benedryl and woke up 12 hours later. Despite my poor form, Capt Larry's took me back under its eyepatch the next day by pumping me full of giant mimosas and friendship.

Here is the official Snuggie Bar Crawl site if you want to see more pictures from Saturday and other pictures from around this great nation. I take great comfort in the words of some robed-drunk we met this weekend; "The economy can't be that bad if we're at a Snuggie bar crawl"

Yikes

2009-02-27T14:31:00.004-05:00

The ol' carpal tunnel is acting up again so I am in no mood to type. I have to save my dexterity for sewing the accoutrement onto my totally awesome Snuggie for tomorrow's Snuggie Bar Crawl. I will leave you with the following link. It was was well-received among those who I already sent it to, but beware...it will haunt your dreams.

It has also inspired me to use the power of scaring the shit out of people once I finally (dear god please) break into the ad industry. HumptyDumpty's image in the first commercial is forever burned into the insides of my eyelids. That's just good marketing.

http://www.cracked.com/article_17093_10-awesome-ads-traumatizing-children.html

I Call Bullshit

2009-02-26T14:43:00.004-05:00

Created by Train Horn

Apparently only people under the age of 25 can hear the sound on this site. I call bullshit. If you are over 25 and can hear it, please let me know. If you are under 25 and can hear it, I don't care because you're supposed to be able to anyway.

Hi Mat!!!

2009-02-25T16:00:00.005-05:00

The Best of Craigslist has crippled my productivity at work.

Read how this to see how some chick tried to cripple this dudes life.

I Want to Go to There

2009-02-25T14:24:00.001-05:00

This guy built his house in a cave. The economy is making him move. Discuss.

Atlantis!

2009-02-25T10:21:00.003-05:00

Finally! Atlantis has been located. Some limey Brit google mapped Atlantis and fucking found it. If I had known it was that easy I could have canceled my breath-holding sprints, trident duels and online oceanography courses years ago.

Here is the link to see the Liquid City for yo'self. I apologize in advance for the inconvenience, but you may have to switch the view to satellite and scroll a bit to the left. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to unearth the world's greatest water-logged hood.

(it's just north west of Los Llanos and Santa Cruz...but you didn't hear that from me.)

Must Be the Money

2009-02-20T13:07:00.003-05:00

When I was just a young preaser my family had a funky mountain house in CarbonDale, PA. My weekends were spent skiing, playing in the snow and forcing my younger cohorts to act in the plays and "situationals" I had written/created.

All of this changed when, at the tender age of 16, my father's stock broker and his sons came up for the weekend. Late bloomer that I was (am?) I was terrified, shocked and annoyed by this sudden installment of age-appropriate testosterone. Anyway, one of them tried to kiss me in front of my brother and sister, and then spent the weekend "rapping" Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" from the ski lifts. As a result of this, I memorized the song.

Many moons, serenades and boys later, I stumbled across this rendition of that fateful song. It's pretty amazing, and had this gentleman crooned it to me and not butchered it with his upper-middle class whiteboy beats, maybe things would have turned out differently.

Enjoy.

I Will Find a Sperm Donor For This

2009-02-19T14:33:00.000-05:00

Baby Mop from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

An American Hero

2009-02-16T11:26:00.001-05:00

No big deal...

Eating Pepper and Chips

2009-02-12T13:04:00.002-05:00

This made me laugh so hard I started crying at work and then burped really loud and wasn't even embarrased about it. In other news, I post an alarming amount of kitten-related shit on here.

Hey Jude

2009-02-12T11:01:00.002-05:00

On Monday I was invited on a tour of the 8th Wonder of the World:" Maryland's official Beatles Museum. It is in my friends house, and though I had popped into the shrine in 8th or 9th grade, it was infinitely better to experience a guided tour as an adult.

The museum boasts Beatle bobble heads, lunch boxes, rare albums, countless books, photographs and other crazy memorabilia and artifacts. Frank (the curator/ my friend's dad) even held a birthday gala for himself in the same room Lennon stayed in whilst he played Baltimore in the early 60's.

Beyond the awesome and bizarre stuff in there, it was really cool to see someone's lifetime passion so tangible. I mean, I guess he likes his kids and all and has put some time into them, but walking into that room is like stepping back in time. Everything is chronologically arranged and well-preserved, and whether you don't know much about the Beatles but dig them (like me) or your iTunes is riddled with 14 versions of "Sargent Peppers'" (like my date for the evening) you can appreciate the effort put into the space. You also learn a LOT about the band that you never knew you never knew, such as John Lennon's middle name, which happens to be Winston.

Here's the 02/09/09 Tour Group posing in the shrine:

Arctic Unicorns Indeed

2009-02-11T16:01:00.005-05:00

Go here to see these crazy-ass whales swim through ice. Special thanks to my Canadian friend for reminding me about our neighbors to the North.

Also, the narrator is not kidding around. "NARWHAL."

Second Place is First Loser

2009-02-10T18:26:00.003-05:00

Mister Patrick James Nolan is back with a guest brog about the upcoming Oscars. He lives in LA now, so he knows better than you.

With the Academy Awards approaching faster than the opening of Paris Hilton’s orange legs, I find myself being wholeheartedly swept up into all of the pre-show tomfoolery. I have seen most of this year’s nominated films, and can make good conjecture as to what the others are all about. For instance, I saw The Reader (FUCKING BRILLIANT), but did not see Changeling (thank jeebus). Kate Winslet is easily the best actress of our generation, and one of the greatest of all time. Angelina Jolie, on QUITE the other hand, is not. If I wanted to pay $12 to see her chewing scenery to a bloody pulp in period costumes I would watch the epically horrific Original Sin. However, I WOULD pay millions to see, yet again, her cunty prune face in the audience when Winslet has yet ANOTHER win*. And I hope this time my girl Kate forgets to thank her haughty ass, because Angelina Jolie as Oscar-nominated actress makes me feel violent. Dear Angie Jo- stick to playing overdosing lesbian supermodels and crazy bitches in 1960s looney bins- it’s what works.

*Adding insult to injury, Kate Winslet almost forgot to thank Morticia-Addams-cum-heroin-addiction nee Angie Jo at the Globes, and the facials were nothing short of PRICELESS.

This Is Why I Hate The South

2009-02-10T15:10:00.007-05:00

I was alerted to this website today, and although it features the amazing, unparalleled Turbaconducken, the site is fucking gross. And embarrassing. I spent some time in the deep south, and when I wasn't crying (seriously) I was staring at 300lb babies shoving fried Snickers bars into their gaping, drooling pieholes, gizzards a-quiver.

Call me a Yank, but I'll stick to Diet Water.

Well Done Sully

2009-02-09T13:10:00.003-05:00

I haven't watched the whole clip yet (or even played it with sound) but I kindly put it on here for your enjoyment. Because obv it's nowhere else on the web. And even if it were, you wouldn't see it. Because this is the only brog you read. So, so loyal.

(also, Katie, your hair called...it wants you to go back to NBC)

Maybe I Deserved it...

2009-02-07T21:43:00.002-05:00

I have been out with the most insect-ual of stomach bugs these past few days and have neglected many of my duties. These include, but are not limited to work, hygiene, cat feedings, gchatting and brogging. I also missed the aforepromised Disney on Ice. (and I hear I missed a good fist fight during intermission.)

Anygargoyle, I'm back at about 75% which is more or less homeostasis for me of late. I'd like to thank my family for giving me this bug and all the shivering, fever-induced hallucinations, vomiting and weight loss that accompanied it. I'd also like to thank them for giving me the genetic history to post this:

Dukem

2009-02-03T13:40:00.008-05:00

Last night I had the honor of sharing injera and friendship with Messrs. Katie and Lauren. After a 1/2 priced Ozzy at Brewers we located the Room of Requirements and popped over to Dukem for some Ethiopian. I have simple tastes, so meat, bread, beer and no utensils is perfect. We each ordered Tibs (cooked cubes of beef or lamb) and which are then dumped onto a huge piece of injera and you just go to town.

I don't know if it was the Ethipoian beer or the Ozzy, but about halfway through our feast the meal turned into a preasebrog/ fake mole/ bingo daupper photoshoot. (Although, I'm now remembering a discussion about Lauren's WPOC videoblog fan, which likely spurred into a series of preasebrog fanphotos.)

After discovering Katie's new tattoo, we used similar placement and eyeliner to create the first look.

We had to negotiate around Lauren's "leaving-her-arm-in-one-place-for-too-long hives" but I think the over all effect is pleasing.

Shameless prease prug II implemented mixed media: Green bingo daupper, Ethiopian headdress and eyeliner. It was at this point in the night that Lauren dropped the Disney AllStars on Ice bomb (which we will be attending- FOR FREE- this Thursday.) I kind of hate Disney (the people, not the princesses and shit) and I have an irrational fear of all things in costume. I can only imagine that adventure will be as well documented as this one, so stay tuned.

We had a lovely time dining on African cuisines. And then,

I FOUND TEN DOLLARS!!!

Podunk V. Poland

2009-02-03T11:53:00.010-05:00

This morning I googled "Pink Flamingo Lawn" to
procure images of the celebrated lawn ornament. (It was for work.) While a few of the fowl showed their brightly-hued faces, I was also met with the image above.

I'm usually not a fan of these black-framed, cleverly-captioned photos that keep popping up everywhere, but this one was unexpected and made me laugh. As I clicked back over to Gchat to share my newfound mullet with a friend, I found I'd been bested:

Game. Set. Match. We both sent our soldiers into war(well,unknowingly to each other) at the exact same time, and clearly mine lost.

They will win.

You Suck Phil

2009-02-02T09:10:00.006-05:00

The worlds oldest rodent saw his shadow today, thus scientifically ensuring another six weeks of winter.

I don't know much about Groundhog's Day. I know that this photo is incredibly awkward, and that sometimes you have to relive the same day over and over to figure out who you really are, and that Andy MacDowell is the woman of your dreams.

Whoops

2009-02-01T16:01:00.001-05:00

It's a Hard-Knocked Life

2009-01-29T11:17:00.004-05:00

The New York Times gave these women wet dreams by publishing an article about how tough the economy has been on them. Bear in mind, these women are late twenty-something upper-middle class manhattanites.

The issue? The rough waters of the economy have finally begun rocking their weekend sailboats. Their situation is so dire that they formed a support group- Dating a Banker Anonymous- where they can sit and sip $15 gimlets and bitch about losing their time shares or thrice-weekly deep tissue massage. The article is both fascinating and insulting. It takes a real shithead to not only find it reasonable to complain about cutting back the Nanny's hours to 35 a week, but to then flaunt it in the Times.

I understand that it's difficult to assimilate to change, but I find it beyond reproach to rub the woes of your mild discomfort in the faces of laid-off workers and struggling families. Aw, your life is slightly less-than because your boyfriend is making less money and working twice as hard just so he won't lose his Wall Street gig? Boo fucking hoo. Here's a thought- why don't you get a job and stop whining while your meal ticket wakes up in a cold sweat to check the opening bell of the Japanese market.

Just read the article. You may find it funny, or you may read it and find yourself brogging a response in a fit of blind rage.

I Can Haz Cheezbuger

2009-01-28T14:57:00.003-05:00

This is effing terrible and so mean but I had to stifle a giggle at work when I saw this. I first thought it was Britney Spears (uhh despite the self-referential baby tee). Then I thought the joke was that she ATE the "someone else."

And then I saw a sexual Ronald McDonald in repose with- I assume- a bottle of Chianti and perhaps some discount caviar.

I shouldn't have laughed at this and I certainly shouldn't have posted it. Jessica Simpson is obviously not fat or even relevant.

I Wish These Were My Kids

2009-01-26T09:50:00.003-05:00

This British commercial is amazing. It can be risky, but some of the best advertising is "oddvertising"- juxtaposing two completely unrelated topics, images, etc to make the unfamiliar stick in your brain. Also unrelated: My University of Phoenix 'PhD in Advertising' glitter pens and certificate are being mailed this week.

Swarm!

2009-01-22T11:56:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Science, Nasa, Google and Humans, this image was taken during the inauguration. At first I thought it was an ant swarm, or perhaps a cell cluster*, however I was mistaken. It is a formation of Homo Sapiens gathering around their outdoor televisions and their obelisk.

Click here for more satelite images of the inauguration- they are all pretty trippy.

*I don't know what a cell cluster is but it sounded like something that might be real, and maybe look like the picture.

Inauguration

2009-01-20T10:38:00.004-05:00

So Baltimore lost. To Pittsburgh. It was a sad, sad day, but if I continue to dwell on it my sadness will consume me and I'll be no better than the buckets of garbage who beat us on Sunday.

I'll allow that that last statement didn't make much sense, but let's move on, shall we?

Today is the date my eyeballs have been straining to read off the bumpers of cars for four years now: 1/20/09. I think it is amusing that for years this date has been marketed- by us- as "Bush's Last Day;" a sentiment totally disregarding the future. Far before Mccain and Obama duked it out, the fact that it would be Bush's last day in office surpassed the "What Could Be's" and stopped cold at the "Get Him the Hell Out of Here's." Given the power of "1/20/09", I'm surprised we even bothered voting at all and didn't just appoint John Hamm or Harry Potter as King.

But we did vote, and it is the final day of Dubbya's tenure as Commander in Chief. Though I would love to witness history and all that jazz, you could not pay me to make the 45 minute treck to DC today. First of all, I hate crowds. Second of all, I hate the Human-to-Port-A-Pot Ratio, which is 800:1. (4 mil people, 5,000 shitters.) A perfectly respectable lady friend of mine is donning a pair of adult diapers in the event that she has to- you know, pee. While I respect her enthusiasm, as a general rule of thumb I won't go anywhere requiring me to throw a box of wipes into my purse.

cnn.com is asking all Inauguration-goers to send pictures of the event so they can compile the most detailed image of any moment in history. As if the cell phone towers won't be working to full capacity, cnn also requests that the images be sent as soon as possible. I'll try to post the compiled, layered image of 4 million grainy phone pictures here as soon as it is made available.

I'm now off to finish some work and go watch the Grand Show on the other side of campus. Enjoy watching this momentous occasion and don't forget to check out who Michelle is wearing and which celebrities get to stand on the actual stage while Obama performs.

CAW! CAW! Superbowl XLIII PREASE!

2009-01-18T15:01:00.003-05:00

About 6 months ago I made the horrendous mistake of signing a lease with a Steelers fan. I can't tell you how sorry I am about that...I feel like I let you down.

That being said, today should pan out to be a fantastic game, riddled with Yo Mama jokes, sick defense, Flacco's incredible eyebrows and a Ravens win.

The pre game analysis has put Pittsburgh as the favorite (bastards) but they also are projecting this game to be "a streetfight." With the exponentially higher number of convicted and accused felons, I think we all know who will come out victorious.

I'm going to tuck into my bucket of margarita and sigh contentedly at the beautiful Ravens posters I've hung in our windows and on the front door (I'll post pictures of my masterpieces later.)

Good luck, Ravens. And godspeed.

Re-Fried beans

2009-01-16T16:17:00.003-05:00

A short play. (Inspired by a conversation with Her Majesty L.E. Krajewski)
Scene: Two Ladies Lunching.

Mrs. Jamestown
Coffee makes me sick so I have to drink tea. It’s like ordering bacon-wrapped filet mingon and getting a veggie burger!

Mrs. Clarion
Mmm. Mmhmm. Tea is coffee's poetry-award-winning, honor-student, Swarthmore-attending, fake monocle-wearing older brother.

Mrs. Jamestown
Well, then certainly Coffee is tea's fun-loving sexy bitch of a little brother whom everyone loves but Tea just doesn't see why.

Mrs. Clarion
Oh, to be sure, to be sure.

Mrs. Jamestown
And I suppose that would make Sanka Tea and Coffee's red headed, candy-corn toothed, psoriasis-having step brother?

Mrs. Clarion
Indeed, which means Frappacinno is coffee's chubby-but-designer-wearing, sassy gay cousin who moved to LA midway through community college.

Mrs. Jamestown
You may be on to something there, Mrs. Clarion. Would you say that Starbucks is Coffee and Tea’s over-paid, long-haired bitter agent who charges too much and cares too little?

Mrs. Clarion
By George, Mrs. Jamestown, I would! And would you, in turn agree that Starbucks' Reduced-Fat Banana Cake is Coffee's drunken hook up, who’s good in the sack but is otherwise his I-swear-I’m-not-anorexic, wants-to-be-everything-to-everyone, needy and emotionally dependent ex-girlfriend?

Mrs. Jamestown
A thousand times Yes! But if all of this is true, then by transitive property, Venti Peppermint-Spiced Extra-Whip Whole Milk Chai Latte with Red and Green Sprinkles and Four Sugars is Coffee's over-festive and portly aunt who comes to Christmas with her Chihuahua, her ugly-sweaters-with-bells- collection, her vibrator and her tears.

Mrs. Clarion
A mathematical certainty! Hahahahah her vibrator and her tears. Lets go get a croissant.

Fin.

Come on George Michael

2009-01-15T14:21:00.003-05:00

So the Arrested movie is definitely a go, but Michael Cera may choose not to be involved with it. An Arrested Development movie with no George Michael is like a Bluth Banana with no nuts: it's all wrong.
Oh, you like topical similes you say? Here are a few more to drive the point home.

No George Michael in the AD movie is like:

...G.O.B without his Segway or Magicians Alliance card
...Tobias without his jean short collection
...Lucille without her vodka
...Lindsay without her liberal agenda or vodka
...Maeybe without her rack
...Michael without his stair car
...George without his look-a-like paper mache heads
...Buster without his hook hand

I think I've made my case here.

Please Michael Cera, do the movie. Just say yes. Yes.

Finally

2009-01-15T10:14:00.002-05:00

Brought to you by pork-friendly preasebrog, dlisted and Tremors,

The Internet Presents...

THE ORACLE OF BACON

Pink Flamingos

2009-01-13T15:26:00.004-05:00

John Waters made a video address to Obama. In it, he gives the President Elect advice about how to deal with the 'mos, keep his marriage healthy and quit smoking. He suggests that we kick all the gay guys out of the military and replace them with lesbians, as they will have an easier time finding Bin Laden. He also proposes that we give free hair cuts and make-overs to the homeless.

Oddly, my rigidly right-winged, farm-bred, Ann Coulter-loving father had the same idea. In the late nineties he had some sort of philanthropic seizure and went through Baltimore doing good deeds. He outfitted a homeless man he dubbed "Bo-Peep" in warm Carhart clothing and he gave homeless men and women gift certificates to go to a barber to get hair cuts and shaves for job interviews.

Though we were all surprised and supportive, I should mention that the Carhart clothes were covered in my dad's company's logo. Opurtunist that my father is, he would never let a kind gesture go unrewarded- thus Bo Peep became one of the first examples of a "walking advertisement" that I have ever seen.

My Dad and John Waters: Baltimore's most revolutionary minds.

Dear God, No

2009-01-13T13:29:00.003-05:00

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I just tried to log into facebook for some quality mid-afternoon stalking and the site is DOWN. Which means either someone googled google (a sure sign of the apocalypse- the world as we know it will cease to exist if this ever happens so PLEASE never do that) or my computer is being rude. It makes me uncomfortable to admit that my instant reaction to this facebook news was to update my status to see if it was just me who got hit with rejection...but, like, I can't.

I am terrified to think of a workday without facebook. It is my sun, it is my moon, it is my bastion of useless knowledge and amateur photography. O! evil gods of downed systems, how dare ye taketh away my ability to update my status and peruse the quotes of quasi-strangers! Without the fortification of my friends' witty comments, my wall will surely come crubmling down!

[Editors Note: In the time it took me to write that post Facebook dropped its iron curtain and let me back in. But whatever, it's not that big a deal.]

The Secret Now Has A Tiny Joule-sized Hole in My Heart

2009-01-12T11:05:00.001-05:00

Customer Review

3,776 of 3,821 people found the following review helpful:

The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Permalink |

Elizabethtown.

2009-01-09T12:54:00.008-05:00

There are some pretty crap movies out there. I don't want to name names (im talking to YOU Indiana Jones 4 and Legend) but sometimes movies get so bad that you don't even want to keep watching for "holy shit this movie's terrible lets laugh and make fun of it" purposes.

A primo example of this is the 2005 ass hat bomb Elizabethtown. Starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst, the movie follows the main character Drew as he epically fails at his job causing his shoe company to lose one BILLION dollars. That same day his dad dies, and after ALSO failing at the worlds lamest suicide attempt he finds himself on a plane to (you guessed it) Elizabethtown, KY for the funeral.

Enter Kirsten. She plays a spunky, irresistible flight attendant with a wealth of deep, important one-liners. The two swap numbers, thus propelling their relationship into a long-distance, VERY short friendmance. Will they fall in love? Will she save him from himself? Will he finally see what's right in front of him?

Who gives a shit.

Because I had to suffer though it, I'll share with you some of the superb Cameron Crowe writing that made Elizabethtown sparkle and shimmer before our eyes.

Claire Colburn: I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. (uhhhh what?)

Claire Colburn: I'm one of a kind. (buuut you just said...ok sure nevermind.)

Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room. (I won't even touch that one)

Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.
Drew Baylor: Me too.

Claire Colburn: I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

Drew Baylor: Can you imagine an entire life wrapped up in a shoe? (BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA)

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free. (It's like she can read my thoughts...)

Claire Colburn: Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat. (poetic. compelling and rich.)

And my favorite:

Claire Colburn: I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

I realize I can be cynical and that sappy movies aren't my favorite but come on. In case you haven't born witness to this travesty, the way that the Drew character tries to off himself is ludicrous. He tapes a butchers knife to an exercise bike thing and tries to stab himself to death.
What a turd. Anyway, the movie ends with Claire sending her sort-of-but-not-really-new-boyfriend on a soul-searching cross-country drive with his dads ashes, which he illegally spreads all over the place. Within the most elaborate scrapbook imaginable, she times his trip perfectly (because I guess she knows a lot about people and telling the future) and at one of the asinine places on her freakshow map- the worlds second biggest flea market-she plants little clues all over and he finds her in her little red hat and they kiss and the end.

WACKO FOR FLACCO!

2009-01-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

Dem Ravens take on the Gaynessee Gaytins this weekend (see what I did there?) and though I will be abroad, I'll be wearing my Heap jersey and drinking my rail vodka-spiked purple drink. I think we have a real chance of winning so long as Joe Flacco can keep his eyebrows pinned back. Statistically, most Quarterbacks throw incompletions or get sacked from Unneccesary and Irregular Facial Hair, resulting in a five yard penalty and endless ridicule. Should he stumble accross a HelloKitty hair clip or a professional waxer, we might just pull off the win.

[EDITORS NOTE: The thumbnail to this picture looked just like Flacco. Upon further review it appears to be Keanu Reeves but fuck it, it stays.]

Morally Casual Resolutions

2009-01-06T16:32:00.005-05:00

I'm not one to let myself fool...myself.

Which is why I tend to ignore the whole NYE Resolution thing. I prefer to always think I can't do or have something, that way when i DO get it, it's like a big surprise and I can blast some Destiny's Child and celebrate my "unexpected" good fortune/looks/whathaveyou.

This year was no different. A dear friend asked me what I had resolved to do for '09 and I said Nothing. Lose weight? Nothing. She then called me lame and told me her goal is to learn a new language and to ride a motorcycle.

We can't all be supergroovyjews.

Another friend explained that instead of choosing to subtract a bad habit, she was going to add a few new ones. She is going to work on being more straightforward and aggressive with men, which basically means '09 IS HER YEAR! (to get knocked up.)

I'm sure I'll turn down a few salt and vinegar chips in the name of it being a new year and all, but to be honest, I'm not that worried; odd years have been statistically more enjoyable than even ones for me. I have a few weekend trips planned, a full-time job, my cat is doing well, I have all three High School Musicals on DVD, plus my blog...

'09's gonna be great.

I Don't Know Who I'm More Jealous Of...

2009-01-06T15:12:00.003-05:00

A...The cheesedick reality tv star posing with the wax figure and the olympic butterface

2...The Olypmic butterface (albeit champion of the world) posing with the crusty wax figure and the cheesedick reality star

D... The crusty wax figure who is riding on the coattails of her failed cheesedick son's reality tv career while posing with the olympic butterface.

whew.

(If you picked Michael Phelps then you win.)

Ho Ho Ho Man I Haven't Posted In a While

2009-01-06T08:43:00.007-05:00

I'm the worst. My New Years resolution/ Boxing Day promise is to bring you faithful, late breaking information NO MORE than three weeks past their relevancy expiration dates. (speaking of which, did anyone hear Brit's having a comeback!?!)

For me, 2009 began in a police invaded coat-check mosh pit at the Sheraton (true story), so I feel that either things can only get much, much better or far, far worse. Either way I'll find things to report.

Rawr

2008-12-30T14:04:00.004-05:00

If this doesn't make you cry a little , you should get your Human Card revoked.

Ante Up

2008-12-30T14:04:00.001-05:00

I Wish She Were My Neighbor. Or Aunt. Or Me.

2008-12-23T09:22:00.001-05:00

B. Virdot

2008-12-22T16:34:00.001-05:00

This is a cool story from the NY Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/22/opinion/22gup.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Kind of sobering, but cool.

Christmas: Not Just for Wrapping Presents

2008-12-22T13:21:00.006-05:00

Apparently, in these modern times most people tend to fornicate during the holiday season. Condom companies claim that their sales peak around Christmas, long weekends such as Memorial/Labor day and (oddly) Mother's day. Before the introduction of holidays, natural things like "light" and "weather" would affect copulation. Now we're so tuned into work and social lives that these annual reprieves have become both holidays and HOlidays...(get it?) Instead of feeling moved toward intimacy, couples feel forced or obligated because it is a "special" time of year.

So in 20 years when the next batch of kids is coming to fruition and they ask their parents about the occasion of their conception, they'll be pleased to know that their entire existence is based on Mom and Dad forcing a "'tis the season" quickie between strip malls on Black Friday.

It's Almost Christmas!

2008-12-22T11:44:00.002-05:00

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

No, No, No, No, No

2008-12-19T15:33:00.005-05:00

Apparently Baz Lurhmann bought the rights to make the next Great Gatsby movie. If he casts his mannequin muse Nicole Kidman as Daisy I will burn Australia to the ground.

And Long Island.

She is not young, she is not pretty, and she is not real.

Better Daisys include:

Zoe Deschanel
Taylor Hanson
Anna Paquin
Patrick Nolan
Phoebe Price
Kaitlin Isennock
The late Jennifergold Isennock
Tom Selleck

Step Aside, Turbaconducken

2008-12-19T14:03:00.011-05:00

The PETA- approved alternative to fashionable fur.

Click here for a recipe that would make even this guy question God.

Boones Farm?

2008-12-18T14:20:00.005-05:00

Or no...cherry Smirnoff.

I Found My Stigmatic Twin

2008-12-18T13:37:00.002-05:00

Some baby in Colorado was busy being a baby and growing my stigmatic twin inside his head. My S.T developed a foot, intestines and other parts before it was cruelly yanked out by some podunk doctors.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Merry Christmas, Hon!

2008-12-17T14:51:00.006-05:00

Tonight I'm going to do a drive-by in Hampden...TO LOOK AT THE MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET!!!

It's things like this that make me love love love Baltimore. As if Hampden wasn't crazy/scary/John Waters-y enough, an entire street is so devoted to Christmas and depleting the earth of its precious resources that it covers every available surface with Christmas lights. And Christmas Natty Boh cans. And Christmas tires. And Christmas garbage. And, most of all, Christmas Spirit.

I've never been a big Holiday Cheer kinda gal, but this year I'm feeling the stirrings of a little Yuletide Joy. I've listened to late 90's pop band holiday albums, decorated my house with lights and homemade wreaths and swatches and even got people some presents that I didn't purchase intending to keep them for myself.

Tonight when I'm invited into people's homes to take a look at their K-Mart Christmas trees and toothless grins I will dig down deep- -past the cynical bitch; past the corner-cutting gift giver and even past the blatant materialist-- and I will try to truly embrace the spirit of the holiday.

I will also ask where the fuck this Elf Diner is and how to get there.

He's So Limey

2008-12-16T17:02:00.002-05:00

I recently saw an interview of Hugh Laurie speaking in his native British tongue... and I was unsettled. That bears no relevance to this blurb as he doesn't talk in this ad, but you can see- you know, visually- how far his acting talent has come.

Greg House can take Polaroids of me in front of fake flowers anytime. Even in the 80's.

Because This Makes Sense...

2008-12-15T13:21:00.003-05:00

I only recently found out I enjoy ice hockey, but it seems actress Elisha Cuthbert has known her feelings about it for some time. Apparently she is the ice-village bicycle, and when her ex-boyfriend/Dallas Stars player Sean Avery referred to her as "sloppy seconds," he got fired from the team.

This is hockey. Not fucking croquet (although I've borne witness to more than a few off-color remarks out on the links of Ruxton...). This is a game where peoples blood gets scraped out of the ice and there is an actual time-out chair. Hockey is popular because it can get violent and crude. Maybe Sean Avery shouldn't have made the comments he did, but in a sport where punching someone in the face is punishable only by a two-minute break, can the NHL not put a bitter comment into perspective?

Sonic's Lazy "Uncle"

2008-12-12T13:54:00.003-05:00

This has got to be Sonic's moms new boyfriend. He's lazy and silly and floats in dirty bathwater all day. He gets flipped onto his back at the 1:10 mark, and immediately puts on his best "playing dead" face and just bumps and floats around the tub for a solid 4 minutes.

Sonic's mom was nowhere to be seen because she was out buying a new frock from Dress Barn and a sixer of Pabsts for their date night. "Uncle" Hedgehog was trying to get the Boones Farm and Cheeto stains out of his fur for the occasion but forgot and took a nap.

I wish I were a whitetrash hedgehog.

Jayden: 1, Sean Preston: 0

2008-12-11T14:25:00.006-05:00

Britney Spears made a Christmas Greeting Video in front of an oversized tree from Sears in someone elses foyer.

I dig it how she only acknowledges one of her sons. She drops the others hand to start awkwardly cooing to the one she likes, but messes up and mumbles what sounds like the wrong name. It's okay, y'all! She'll git it reeeeeal soon.

I also like how she neglects to wish seasons greetings to the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa/Boxing Day. Christians Rock!

Turn it Off, Man!

2008-12-09T14:04:00.003-05:00

I swore I'd never do this, but I've been neglecting my duties here. I've been in and out of training sessions and, to quote a legend, it's sucking my will to live.

I pinkie swear I'll return from planet Win/WebGui by the end of the week.

I Guess It's F.B.O now...

2008-12-09T14:03:00.000-05:00

Bring Your Green Hat!

2008-12-08T14:54:00.004-05:00

I found this list of the best Will Ferrell skits and had to post it. I realize that his career has turned into a long, painful one-note string (D minor, I believe) but he really is funny. I tried to find his SNL audition tape but it appears to be hiding from me. (If you want to see comedic genius, buy The Best of Will Ferrell on DVD and check out his impersonation of a business-man-turned-cat.)

I implore you to watch the Old Prospector, Get off the Shed, Robert Goulet and Harry Carrey...you'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll wonder why Blades of Glory exists.

(PS...if you don't like Elf than I don't like you.)

W Seeking R.M

2008-12-03T09:43:00.002-05:00

This story (blog entry?) from the Daily Beast has inspired me. I'm not really sure why I should schlep through life with my dismal paycheck and Target wardrobe when I could be dashing off to Paris and enjoying spa weekends.

Other benefits include a non-committal relationship based on a mutual agreement that work/friends/everything else comes before each other; you'll get a GREAT reference letter out of it; no rent-no bills-free car; and if you play your cards right, you can bag a smart rich guy. Which will give you plenty of things to talk about while you're...I dunno... taking the ol' Leer Jet out for a spin. (dammit I just talked myself into it)

Ahh, the Sugar Daddy. The world can be yours for just one soul! Act now though...with the flailing economy and that pesky recession you could miss your chance!

Accounts Payable

2008-12-02T13:53:00.004-05:00

Hey preasers...me and my can of pepper spray have been whisked away to beautiful East Baltimore for the day. I'm taking classes with such promising names as "Online Payment Requests" and "Travel Reimbursement Request," so I've been neglecting le brog. I've provided a visual interpretation of my excitement about being here today.
--I should go...we're moving on to Win-GUI interfaces and Chinese water tourture. I'll be back tomorrow, providing Boredom and Bullets choose to let me see another day.

Bowie's In Space

2008-12-01T15:20:00.005-05:00

Astrology is always a good time. Go to this link to find your rising suns and planets and descending pop icons and fashion statements.

The foxy lady who sent me this link received a dead-on description of herself. Mine was close-ish, but I think it's only fair to grant a margin of error because I go through so many ch-ch-changes.

Like a China Girl.

Just you shut your mouth.

A List

2008-12-01T13:54:00.005-05:00

As I've mentioned before, much like the Big Guy, I'm a gigantic fan of lists.

I found this one today. It's Details list of the most powerful 40 men/entities of 2008.

Here is another list link. This man creates lists that are each 11 entries long. Seeing as 11 is my favorite number, and lists are me and Santa's favorite way to keep track of things (like bitches, ho's, liars and cookie theives), I like this blog.

Mousercise

2008-12-01T09:47:00.002-05:00

One year for Easter I was given a VHS of Mousercise. I was probably eight, and took immediate offense to the gift; Easter is for hard boiled eggs and jelly beans, not creepy exercising rodents and coked-out instructors. Despite the blow to my little fat kid ego, I accepted the gift and went to the basement to check out the tape.

After pushing all the furniture and toys out of my way for optimal movement, I hit play and started my warm up. I didn't get very far into the tape- I just remember sitting down and watching it like a movie. I'd thrown in a random arm thrust and occasionally remember to keep my head up and buttocks tight, but I was fascinated by the kids in the tape.

How did they get to be on this tape?? I imagined that their moms were friends with Kellyn, the instructor, but knowing now how fucked up Disney is, these kids were probably cryogenically frozen and then thawed out for the duration of filming. I always thought the girl in front was a bitch, and possibly an equine enthusiast, and I always felt especially compassionate toward the chubby, un-coordinated red-faced girl in the back. Her sweatshirt was tragic, she obviously didn't rehearse and she most certainly didn't give a shit about checking her heart rate after a few intense reps of side stepping. She was the Isaac Hanson among a fleet of Taylors, and for that, I loved her.

I advise you to watch the tape for its 80's nastiness... it's pretty fantastic. If you're feeling wild, hop up and let Kellyn lead you to a tighter bod...if you're feeling nostalgic, let yourself tumble head first into Mousercise memories...and if you're feeling smug, go ahead and judge the hell out of those sad little test tube kids in unitards.

HEAVEN?!

2008-11-26T11:57:00.007-05:00

I was just doing some sisterly stalking on facebook and came across FU$$**$*## JUMPWORLD. (I'm trying really hard not to cuss right now, which is what I do when I'm over-excited, which I am, to the max, currently.)

I haven't gotten any confirmation on this yet, but it appears to be a warehouse, filled with trampolines and foam pits, where you go and jump. All over.

This place is probably a feeding ground for things I am susceptible to like ringworm and the common cold but holy CRAP would I not care about contracting lice if I could just jump until my legs buckled beneath me and my heart pounded out of my chest.
Kaitlin, TAKE ME TO JUMPWORLD.

("Oh, hey, I'm at JUMPWORLD and you're not.")

It's Like Being Inside My Head

2008-11-26T09:10:00.003-05:00

After some pretty horrific and unfounded rumors that I ate cat food in my basement apartment in college, I am loathe to post anything about awesome delicious cats and the awesome ohmygodimsalivating things they do.

This may be the video of the year, and not just because I love fancy feast. I mean cats. It combines everything anyone would ever want to see- cats, Roombas, rap music, familiar images and video clips about cats, cat ladies, treadmills, cats doing things cats don't usually do...

I'll stare at you and then other things that aren't actually moving and scratch you in your sleep for rolling over on me if you don't think this is one of the best videos of 2008. That's how much I like it.

(thanks to baltimoreriotmuseum for letting me yank this clip and also for loving gangster kitties more than nerdy dogs.)

It's Cushings

2008-11-25T12:52:00.009-05:00

I love House and I don't care that every episode is the same or that Cuddy dresses like a turbo slut or that the new doctor happens to be a 25 year old hot bisexual model or that I've seen House's atrophied leg more times than seems fair.

I guess the only thing I love more than a House marathon on TBS is a House bashing on the internets.

("Yeah guys, thats totally Cushings.")

SOLD.

2008-11-24T11:28:00.007-05:00

God has great PR rep.

The Final Countdown

2008-11-24T09:04:00.004-05:00

Borrow Busters fake hand, enjoy a few morning cocktails with Lucille and pour your heart out into Bob Loblaw's Law Blog... The Arrested Development movie might really be happening!

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this masterpiece jumping from TV to film but the series ended far before its time and I'm greedy. I obviously wouldn't want to see a half-assed butchering of the show but if Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz are 100% on board it would be nearly impossible to taint my memories of the Bluths.

Given my deep affinity for the show, rest assured there will be updates as Bluth-related breaking news occurs. If this year ends up seeing a black president, a turbaconducken, a new High School Musical AND an Arrested Development movie, I'll give 2008 two thumbs up and free passes to Twilight.

Turbaconducken...Not for Jews!

2008-11-21T15:40:00.007-05:00

As if this country could get anymore gentile-y, bacontoday.com (for all your pork-related news?) posted their recipe for a Turbaconducken. It's an anti-semitic take on the original turducken- a duck cooked inside of a chicken which is cooked inside of a -wait for it- turkey.

I won't lie and say I'm totally disgusted by this. I know I'm supposed to rant and rave about how unhealthy everyone is, and maybe its the fat kid who lives inside my heart and digestive track, but I wouldn't mind giving it a whirl. And if I just lost my entire, enormous readership because of that admission then fine. Pass the fork.

Je Voudrais L'airbrushing, Sil Vous Plait

2008-11-21T09:57:00.008-05:00

French Vogue did a series of photographs of the same model, aging her from 10 to 60. I don't mean to sound like a middle school guidance counselor on the tail-end of a messy divorce but I'm really glad I stumbled across this because it is so easy to forget that most images in magazines are nearly completely fake. It's scary that we become so accepting of this projected "norm." Also, that bastard can rot in hell if he thinks he's getting the house and the kids.

I'll post the link here, so you can see the transformation through the decades.

iamsoboredtoday

2008-11-20T15:04:00.001-05:00

Social Relevance of Reality Television and its Affect on Female Children: A Study

2008-11-20T12:44:00.002-05:00

The Worst Day Of Their Lives - Watch more Free Videos

But Honey, Your Blood Pressure

2008-11-20T10:07:00.000-05:00

I hate driving. I hate it and will avoid it at all costs. Even on the day I got my license, I had my dad drive home. You know that tag line: On the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers? Guess which one I am.

It's not because I'm lazy (okay maybe I'm lazy) it's just that I never felt that wild excitement of the open road. I've perfected the art of turning the back seat into a reading/napping nest on car trips, leaving the driver(ahem, chauffeur) to keep me safe from accidents as I lounge. If I do happen to stay awake, I spend most of the time either back-seat driving, not talking, or incessantly demanding that the occupants play car games with me.

When I get behind the wheel, I turn into a psycho. I'm a stickler for rules and laws and when they are not obeyed the wrath of Hell escapes from my lips. Having the propensity to curse like a sailor anyway, a jay walker or lane changer can expect a show of wild gesticulation and a crude, horrific series of curse words from the blond chick in the green Acura.

If I am on the phone with someone, they too can expect to be inundated with my carnal reactions. I shant repeat any of my special reserve curses here, but if you ever wish to hear them, give me a ring during rush hour.

I only bring this up because after a year in the professional world, I have my first driving commute. It's only been a week but already I'm frustrated, pissy and vulgar in the car. I used to listen to NPR to keep myself occupied but seeing as the world is slowly going to shit, their reports do nothing but fan the flames of my rage. Oh, you're going to cut me off while Lakshmi Singh calmly explains the financial ruin of the United States? No, it's fine, assface. Are you actually slowly walking across the street, outside of a crossing zone while I'm legally approaching at 30 mph DURING ALL THINGS CONSIDERED?!?!?!?!

Anyway, what was I blogging about?

Motherboy

2008-11-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

I've spent the majority of my first week at work staring at my computer screen, hitting the refresh button on wwtdd.com and watching tv shows without sound...so you'll have to forgive my recent lapse in witty commentary. My brain is understimulated.

To fill the void, I've put up my own little episodal security blanket- Arrested Development. This is the beginning of my favorite episode so curl up, hunker down and imagine me staring at this without sound. (that almost rhymed.)

Dream Job

2008-11-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

Holytaco made a list called "If TV Shows Had Truthful Names."

As a fair warning, I'll put up just about anything containing images of Don Draper, the words "Mad" and/or "Men," or promises of scotch-drinking for lunch.

I think we can all agree things were a lot cooler before coworkers started bitching about "harmful cigarette smoke," and "slurring in front of clients" and "sexual harrassment."